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Cooking out in the Land of the Looney Male
 One sure sign that spring has arrived is
the smell of the first cookout of the season. One of my neighbors started the grilling off right this year, with a nice, juicy steak. Too bad I wasn't invited!
Barbecuing, grilling, and cooking out are all used interchangeably to mean preparing food on a grate over an open flame. In deference to the sacred,
however, let's leave barbecue to the cooking of pigs and call everything else grilling. (Remember: If it ever said moo, it ain't 'cue!)
Grills can range from the ridiculously cheap to the absurdly expensive. I have seen them range in price from less than
$10 at Wal -mart to $4,500 for ones in a catalog that must have been delivered to me by mistake! Here's a helpful hint: people who can afford to spend $4,500 on a grill probably have a chef on staff to use it!
Grilling is a singularly masculine sport -- I have never seen the female of the species fire one up alone. It may well be
because bands of roving cavemen would descend and take it over. Face it, a man who won't even make a sandwich on his own in a kitchen suddenly turns into super chef when a grill is nearby.
Admit it, guys. We love the macho trip of being the one responsible for the fire. "When do we eat, Honey?" "As soon
as the coals get ready -- you can't rush the preparation of the sacred flame! Anyone knows that, you mere mortal!" With that, the male goes in search of something to help the sacred
flames along , happily enlisting the help of his spouse in the crime. "Honey, do we have any more charcoal?" "Baby, do we have any more lighter fluid?" As the flames rise higher,
threatening passing birds, some men begin a strange personality shift "Honey, go to the handy mart and get me some more lighter fluid--no, wait, make that kerosene! By this
time, rangers high atop Crowder's Mountain have noticed the glow in the east and the Civil Defense is mobilizing.
Some men are satisfied at this point, while the fire is at the three alarm stage and they still have a few wisps where their
eyebrows once were. For the few truly possessed, the outdoor drama continues... "Jimmy, go siphon some gas out of your brother's go-kart! These coals are just about right!"
By now, the siding on the house is starting to bubble, and little Suzie's Barbie Winebago parked 39 feet from the grill has
burst into flames. Wagner's "Ride of the Valkeries" is blaring on the boom box , and Daddy is beginning to look like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now as he finally pronounces the coals
ready for cooking. Remind you of anyone you know? (If you know me, don't answer that last question.)
Here are a few hints to make your next cookout better:
- Unlike our hero, never add lighter fluid to a fire after it's going.
- If you use a platter to take raw meat out to the grill, wash it thoroughly before using it to take the cooked
meat off the grill. The same goes for any utensils.
- Coals are ready for cooking when they are glowing a dull red and are mostly covered with a dull gray ash.
- Cleanup will be much easier if you spray the grill with a non-stick cooking spray before using it.
- To prevent flare-ups, trim the fat from the meat. To control them after they occur, keep a spray bottle of water handy.
- You can add more flavor to grilled meats by adding wood chips to the fire. Mesquite, hickory and apple are
especially good, Soak them in water for an hour before using them.
- Last but not least, hold off on adding the barbecue sauce until the last 15 minutes of cooking. Adding it sooner
will burn the sugars contained in the sauce.
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