While I have devoted my life to the study and mastery of southern cooking, i have to admit that there is one northern cook whose culinary tallent leaves me in awe.
I really admire Martha Stewart. Here’s someone who has developed entertaining into a true art form, and managed to make a ton of money at the same time.
Take a trip to the local Q-Mart and you’ll find the place is lousy with Martha Stewart this and Martha Stewart that. While my wife bought some Martha Stewart dishes, I was in the tool department checking out the Martha Stewart torque wrench and the Martha Stewart tool belts, which are rich Corinthian leather tanned with a special process to give them that delicate potpourri scent. (Manly, yes, but I like it too!)
I must warn you, brethren (and sistren), it’s easy to fall under the spell of this guru of the glue gun. You may find, like I did, that you start out watching just to see if this modern day Stepford wife will ever make a mistake. Soon, you’ll try just one little project, and you’ll be hooked. So, as a public service, here are some sure fire signs you’ve been watching Martha Stewart too much:
1. You own more than four articles of clothing from L.L. Bean.
2. Your Thanksgiving centerpiece is a scale model of the Mayflower made of hot-glued popsicle sticks floating in a punch bowl with an ice sculpture of Plymouth Rock.
3. You trim your poodle in the shape of a topiary.
4. Every shoebox and empty tin can in the house has been decoupaged with flowers cut out from old wrapping paper.
5. You save snowballs from last winter in your freezer, in case you need them to create an ice-sculpture centerpiece.
6. Every chunk of cheese on your cheese tray comes with a toothpick and a little flag from the cheese’s country of origin.
7. You find yourself trimming each blade of grass in the front yard with manicure scissors for that uniform look.
8. You find yourself wandering through the woods, looking for bird’s nests to serve entrees in.
9. You find yourself in Home Depot lovingly caressing that Stanley Contractor Grade hot glue gun.
10. You spend five minutes yelling at Aunt Martha for throwing away that plastic soda bottle cap when she KNOWS they can be used to make useful things like that welcome mat in the shape of Mt. Rushmore you made last week.
Back From The Brink; Curing Your Marthaholic
There is hope for the afflicted. Some have reported good results by tying the Marthaholic to a chair and making them watch pro wrestling for a period of three days. Others report successful results by subjecting the patient to large doses of Metallica and AC/DC music. A TV fund raising commercial staring Sally Struthers is also planned.
Remember, Martha in moderation is a good thing. I’ve watched her 37 times this week with no ill effects. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish crocheting that computer cozy…